from within

i was at a concert on wednesday

in the middle of a crowd outside

i kept my eyes shut for what seemed like the entirety of the show-

envisioning your soft hands grazing my body, and eventually meeting mine

only to let go when they got too sweaty.

i often replay conversations and can still hear the sound of your voice

i replay quiet moments where i caught myself staring at you drive your car

thinking to myself how i got so fucking lucky to live in the exact same time and space as you.

i replay the days when you would walk into my apartment with such infectious energy that would immediately light my soul on fire

or how passionate you would get about the current hell hole that is our economy (you’re so not political)

i replay the high highs of us talking non stop until 3am, waking up in next to the river in moab—freezing, but together in a tent, or kissing like we were afraid we’d vanish if we let go

and the lows when it seemed like we were doing calculus to try and understand one another while being interrupted by my never ending tears

losing you has caused me immense physical pain. my heart constantly feels like it is in between two daggers

i cared about you and your needs, dreams, goals, happiness, freedom, growth, past pain, opinions.

letting you go when you needed to run away from me and run into yourself will be my greatest act of love for you because there is no amount of chasing or letters or tears that will make you do the healing you’ve been avoiding

to to dig up your past and overcome these feelings have to come from within and i want nothing more for you to find that peace. i hope you find love. i hope you can accept and receive love. and most of all, i hope you can love yourself.