ego

the last month i have made really significant progress in therapy. i broke a subconscious pattern that has honestly confused me and held me and others hostage for so long.

it’s wild to bring a subconscious wound and its defense mechanism into my conscious brain. bringing it to my conscious mind has reshaped my awareness of self and of my reality. I feel as though I am going through a low-grade identity crisis lol.

I realized i perceive all people, their behavior, their decisions through this wounded lens.

i grew up with a wound that i genuinely am not valued or prioritized. why, you may ask? how silly! i grew up so privileged! allow me to explain… I did a whole ass dog and pony show just for my father to acknowledge me and my worth when it should just be given for being alive - I worked tirelessly for things he’d recognize me for: a 3.8 gpa in college, a finance career, an economics and philosophy degree, and overall excelling as much as i can which has created an unhealthy relationship with self and perfectionism. I grew up watching and seeing him choose women, substance, and self-destructive, self-soothing behaviors rather than me- his children/family. I rarely saw him, and when I did there was no engagement other than how I was doing in school. It’s hard for me to talk about my mom sometimes but I have also realized I’ve held contempt for her- contempt for her choosing my dad for convenience and prioritizing a male who hurt her and my siblings time and time again.

so.. the wound is not feeling valued or unconditionally loved or prioritized because i didn’t feel that as a child. now, the wound is activated by any behavior from someone in my life that doesn’t meet my subconscious expectation for safety- to make me feel safe, valued, secured, loved.

Looking for that answer in other people IS the wound. The wound is the hurt/the pain of not being undoubtably unquestionably loved and accepted by my parents. That wound creates a first layer of perception & interpretation of other people through this lens (I perceive others and behavior while saying soothe me, reassure me). How I interpret peoples behavior IS the wound itself.

Here is where the very subconscious (may I add shameful) ego shows up as a means of protecting myself from hurt. My ego is here to protect me- When my wound is activated,  when I don’t get the evidence I need to feel valued, I get judgmental, defensive, and feelings of contempt. My hurt says ‘oh no could this shame story of im not worthy or loved be true? My ego says, ‘Ok this person is not good anyway, im not gna value them, they are bad, so I am going to be either passive aggressive, be mean and cold, distant, or whatever will make me feel like I am safe). The protective ‘you’re not valuing me’ makes me feel powerful when im powerless because underneath the ego, all I really feel is hurt.

This is where the self ownership is healing… Now that this is conscious, my dreams have been reliving memories with this new lens, i am less anxious about other people’s behavior and perception of me, and I overall feel a lot more freeedom in just accepting and working with my flaws. This is such a beginning step I can’t even express that enough. The real work happens daily when I am triggered. :)

hope someone finds this helpful

xo