allowing darkness

i’m feeling everything all at once today

sitting on a rock beneath a sky that won’t break

god, i hope it fucking pours on me

i hope a strike of lightning hits me

i need something louder than my thoughts

my mind is a flood of voices

each one trying to convince me of who i am

i am cruel-

i don’t deserve happiness

i don’t deserve real love

i am weak

i am selfish

softer convictions follow—

i am layered,

i am full of love & no one has stayed long enough to understand

i am gentle,

even when the world is not

i am deserving,

of something real

of someone who won’t give up

of someone who sees me

but today

i just want the rain to drown me

i want to disappear

i want complete isolation

i want to fade into nothingness